Lily

Early 2004, I was in Canada trying to finalize my immigration documents when I got a call from hubby who was still in Jersey informing me that the State of New Jersey, Division of Family Services had contacted him regarding a 13 month old baby girl that was currently in foster care. Apparently, this child was his grand-daughter. His son had fathered her with a lady that was on narcotics and because when this child was born, she had heroine and cocaine in her system, the State stepped in and took her away from the mother and put her in foster home.

After hubby gave me the low down, I immediately said let's take her in and care for her. She's family and I'll be damned if I let her remain in foster care for any other period of time. I rounded up what I was doing in Canada, flew back to the States and had series of meetings with officials of the State regarding being a foster/adoptive parents to this beautiful baby girl. Our home was assessed and approved, the state bought a complete baby bedroom set (crib and all) for our new family member and as soon as the last document was signed, I officially became a foster mother. 

My quest to become a biological mother took a back seat while I cared and doted on my new daughter whom God had brought to me. She had a name given to her at birth but we asked if we could give her another name and we were told we could. We named her Lily because  she looked so sweet and fragile like the Lily flower. She was so precious! I went through everything a mother would go through in caring for a baby except breast feeding of course. Because of the drugs that was still in her system, she had developmental issues and a lot of other health issues. We were constantly in the emergency room dealing with one problem or the other but my love for her never waned. I lost a job because I had to spend 2 days in the hospital with Lily and i remember saying to myself, if this is what being a mother is all about, then I want more of it everyday. No job was going to keep me away from my baby!

Lily learnt how to crawl, walk, talk, use the potty etc while with us. She called me mummy and called my hubby pop-pop. We never went anywhere without our precious angel.

She was 3 years old when we got the worst news ever. Her birth mother had cleaned up her act and was petitioning the courts to have all 7 of her kids back... yes, 7! I asked if there was any possibility that Lily could be sent back to her and I was told yes. The courts always favor returning children in the system back to their biological family if the family have cleaned up their act. We hadn't adopted Lily yet not because we hadn't started the process but because it takes forever and while our adoption paperwork was being shuffled from one desk to another, her birth mom had cleaned herself up, moved into a bigger house, gotten a job, was attending AA and NA meetings and finally had met all the requirements to get her kids back.

I was at work that Friday when hubby called to say Lily had been picked up from daycare by the State officials and was heading back to her mother. I went stir crazy! I cried and begged but to now avail. We went to court but we were told there was nothing else that could be done. The law was the law.  They say when it rains, it pours; soon after this happened, my dear father passed away. This was a horrible, horrible time for me.

I was allowed visitation with Lily for the next year. They would bring her to their offices and it was really hard for both of us. She would scream "mummy, I want go home" over and over and over again and I will try to hide my tears from her and promise her that I'll be back to see her as often as I could. Finally, I told the officials that I will not be visiting anymore. It was just too hard on both of us. Hubby refused to visit Lily with me because he said he wasn't strong enough and he might do something we all would regret. So he would sit in the car while I visited.

I continue to this day, send Lily birthday and Christmas presents through the State office. 

6 months after this saga ended, I decided to focus once again on getting pregnant.

How it all started

As a child, I'd always dreamed of getting married and having a large family of my own. I have always loved children and found that kids especially babies were drawn to me. 

I got married 9 years ago at age 28 to a wonderful man who was quite a few years older than me and moved to the United States. He already had a son from a previous marriage. I was in no real hurry to get pregnant not because I didn't know that my biological clock was ticking away fast, but because I wanted to be sure that if we bring a child into this world, we would have the means to care for it and provide all it's needs without seeking for help from family or the government. 

I have worked and earned a living from the time i graduated from College and so I was determined to find a job ASAP and support my husband and then start planning for children. We also wanted me to have a job that paid good benefits especially health insurance because the cost of health care in the United States can get pretty expensive.

So, for the next 2 years after marriage, I wasn't too worried each month I didn't find myself pregnant even though at the back of my mind I had this seed of worry growing because I wasn't on the pill or any form of birth control and there really shouldn't have been any reason why I shouldn't have gotten pregnant (even though we weren't trying). 

By the 3rd year, we decided to actively start trying and boy oh boy was there a lot of baby dancing going on and still nothing; no pregnancy. So  we consulted with my Ob/Gyn who now ran a couple of blood tests on both of us and told us that we were both fine and we should just be patient. Patience was something I didn't have. I wanted to get pregnant and i wanted it NOW!

My husband has diabetes and high blood pressure plus some other underlining health problems and so naturally, I immediately blamed him for my lack of getting knocked up and because of his age I also accused him of having dead swimmers. I know this was real mean but I refused to think or even fathom the notion that the problem could be with me. God bless my hubby because that man was patient and understanding especially when each month came by and I saw i wasn't pregnant, the crazy wild woman in me fueled by raging hormones would come out and I would hurl insults and curses on him for no reason. This was going on month after month after month and I was stressing more and more. I started eating a lot and doing less exercise. I gained weight at an alarming rate, my once flat abs now had a big old muffin top, my butt tripled in size and I just wasn't happy with myself anymore. In other words, I let myself go because I couldn't get pregnant. I made the lives of those around me miserable because I was miserable.

In my next post, I will talk about the ray of sunshine that came into our lives when we least expected it and I thought that maybe this is God's plan for me and how He wants me to be a mother.

I Hope You Dance Lyrics

What hurts the most with lyrics

Good old days

Today