How it all started

As a child, I'd always dreamed of getting married and having a large family of my own. I have always loved children and found that kids especially babies were drawn to me. 

I got married 9 years ago at age 28 to a wonderful man who was quite a few years older than me and moved to the United States. He already had a son from a previous marriage. I was in no real hurry to get pregnant not because I didn't know that my biological clock was ticking away fast, but because I wanted to be sure that if we bring a child into this world, we would have the means to care for it and provide all it's needs without seeking for help from family or the government. 

I have worked and earned a living from the time i graduated from College and so I was determined to find a job ASAP and support my husband and then start planning for children. We also wanted me to have a job that paid good benefits especially health insurance because the cost of health care in the United States can get pretty expensive.

So, for the next 2 years after marriage, I wasn't too worried each month I didn't find myself pregnant even though at the back of my mind I had this seed of worry growing because I wasn't on the pill or any form of birth control and there really shouldn't have been any reason why I shouldn't have gotten pregnant (even though we weren't trying). 

By the 3rd year, we decided to actively start trying and boy oh boy was there a lot of baby dancing going on and still nothing; no pregnancy. So  we consulted with my Ob/Gyn who now ran a couple of blood tests on both of us and told us that we were both fine and we should just be patient. Patience was something I didn't have. I wanted to get pregnant and i wanted it NOW!

My husband has diabetes and high blood pressure plus some other underlining health problems and so naturally, I immediately blamed him for my lack of getting knocked up and because of his age I also accused him of having dead swimmers. I know this was real mean but I refused to think or even fathom the notion that the problem could be with me. God bless my hubby because that man was patient and understanding especially when each month came by and I saw i wasn't pregnant, the crazy wild woman in me fueled by raging hormones would come out and I would hurl insults and curses on him for no reason. This was going on month after month after month and I was stressing more and more. I started eating a lot and doing less exercise. I gained weight at an alarming rate, my once flat abs now had a big old muffin top, my butt tripled in size and I just wasn't happy with myself anymore. In other words, I let myself go because I couldn't get pregnant. I made the lives of those around me miserable because I was miserable.

In my next post, I will talk about the ray of sunshine that came into our lives when we least expected it and I thought that maybe this is God's plan for me and how He wants me to be a mother.